autobiographic, writing

Hate. Odio.

Tengo mucho odio dentro de mí. Odio hacia mí, por haber hecho lo que sea que haya hecho para que hoy en día, la relación con ciertas personas, sea lo que es. Odio que no me entiendan. Desde que tengo memoria, el hecho de que alguien no me entienda me hizo muy mal. Mis peores crisis, fueron porque alguien no me entendió. Odio esa sensación que me produce el hecho de que el otro me mire como si yo estuviera hablando en otro idioma. Odio que en realidad, entiendan perfectamente lo que estoy diciendo, pero no me entiendan a MÍ. Odio este odio, que es más desgarrador cuando el que no entiende es quien más te conoce. Odio que entiendan, pero como es más cómodo, elijan concluir en que vos sos la loca y ellos no hicieron nada. Es fácil decidir por cuenta propia que estas libre de pecados.

Se está haciendo costumbre… Que no me entiendan, que yo entre en crisis, que no pueda hablar, y que esas palabras que no dije hagan un bollo con mis cuerdas vocales cada vez que intente decir algo. Esas palabras que no dije también afectan mi sembante, de forma que llevo de aquí para allá mi gran cara de orto, haciendo que el otro me pregunte por qué, y se queje una y mil veces al respecto. Y si mejor te callás? Dale, si sabés que yo en realidad quiero ser feliz, que no quiero esta cara de orto. Para qué insistís? Ya sé por qué, Porque sabés, que no voy a decir nada, que por eso vas a tener la razón siempre, y yo voy a seguir siendo la loca. Te equivocás, yo estaré loca, pero algún día voy a hablar.


I have too much hate inside. I hate me, for having done whatever I did to make the relationship with certain people what it is today. I hate when people do not understand me. Since I remember, the fact that someone cannot understand me made me feel really bad. My worst crisis were because someone did not understand me. I hate that feeling I have when someone looks at me as if I was speaking in another language. I hate that in fact, they understand perfectly what I am saying, but they do not understand ME. I hate this hate, heartbreaking when that someone is the one supposed to know you the best. I hate that, because it is easier, they choose to not understand, and they come to the conclusion that you are crazy and they are free of guilt.

It is becoming usual… the lack of understanding, the crisis, the inability to talk. Finally, the words I do not say start to tangle my vocal folds each time I try to speak. At the same time, those words also affect my facial expression, so I carry my blue face from here to there, making the others ask and complain about it. Why not better shut up? You know I do not ask for this mood, I do not want this blue on my face, I would rather want to look happy, be happy. Why do you insist? I know… You are sure that I will never say a thing, that you will always be right, and I will always be the crazy one. Well you are wrong my dear, I might be the crazy one, but I will eventually talk.

Well, it’s been a long time since I last wrote, I know. But I’ve been studying and attending to class, so I did’nt have the time nor the inspiration. Unluckily, inspiration came in a bad moment. I wrote this piece when I was really angry and upset, and it came up in Spanish in that moment, so now I’ve made a translation(at least I tried to). I hope you don’t get bored with my “dark/blue” posts, but since this is a written reflection of my mind, I felt comfortable doing it. I had it written since that moment for 3 days now, so I felt weird typing it, because Im not feeling exactly the same right now. I’ll post here an image of how spring is blooming in my city, which totally reflects how my mood changed since that angry moment. Please, feel free to share your thoughts with me! Til next time. }

                                                            

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What have you done all this time while the grass was growing?

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¿Qué hiciste todo este tiempo mientras el pasto crecía?

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What if…

That’s my worst nightmare. Well not NIGHTmare, literally.. Just dark thoughts that wander my mind.

I’ve been to the doctor’s some days ago, it’s the second time that we meet, and I already feel comfortable talking with him. Maybe it is because we only speak of important things, like my therapy sessions, or maybe because he understands me and makes me feel calm. Maybe both. He said something that you may find disturbing, but  I did not. He said (in spanish, something like): Death is all around us.

I’m impressed by my mind most of the days. Not because I’m brilliant, just because it trips very easily. One thought leads to another in a matter of seconds. And from one moment to another, the “What if”s questions make me feel anxious, desperate, and powerless.

If you ever felt like that, don’t worry, you’re not alone. And remember, those days of desperation are nothing compared to the brightness that your powerful mind can bring to your days. You just have to assimilate risk, become used to the dark to find your path.

I’ve been waiting to inspiration to come, and this post is not meant to be awesome or stunning, just wanted to capture one of my thoughts. I hope this post isn’t too dark. I guess my posts will change with my mood with time.

And.. to make this fresh post more sweet, I’m adding a trippin’ kind of song, that just goes with this post, and a picture of my cute cat, Catalina, sleeping while I write, to warm your hearts. At least it warms mine…

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Second day, second post, no second thoughts.

I couldn’t be more sure about this. Just 2 heartwarming comments, and a little bit of scrolling, and I’ve already told 3 people about this. The thing is, I’m shy, I’ve never thought I would tell someone about this, ME? WRITING? A BLOG? no way, I would have kept that for years for myself. Well, that’s another thing that’s changing. Eight months have passed of this year, and I already feel crazy different. What was it you ask? Confidence I say. But the question is, was it confidence that came first? or maybe the things that happened brought confidence to the story… Here we usually say “el huevo o la gallina” which means “the egg or the hen”. I’ll never know. You may say I had a little bit of confidence securely stored inside, before this things happened. And after some time, the chamber was opened, the confidence was released and my courage has grown.

So here I go, I understand it’s going to be a slow process until I learn how to manage this thing. The writing, the shyness, the blogging, etc.

Please, feel comfortable to leave me blogging advice, wordpress tips, language corrections or whatever yoy want, I will appreciate it!

Here are some pictures of what this Sunday has been about so far..

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First Random Thought

Okay, just trying. This is my first post, the first time I try to write something. Just write. I’ve always wanted to, but didn’t know what to write about, so someone told me to write ANYTHING I WANT, and that sounds perfect. I’ve been looking at some tutorials, instructions in the email I got from WordPress, and I’ve decided to start writing, although I don’t think I’m ready (I’ve only customized my theme, title and tagline).

So, this is awkward. I’m pretty sure no one is going to read this. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to get read. The thing is, yesterday I read this (article?) written by someone called Jon Westenberg in medium, that make me come with the idea of “building a WordPress site”. The guy basically gives 5 pieces of advice to do something people care about: Do something YOU care about, make it for REAL people and not an abstract audience, do it  only if it feels right, don’t do it to be someone, and finally, work HARD. I really liked the article, it made me think if I was up to this, and I think I am.

I guess this is a very long introduction, and (IF ANYONE IS READING THIS) I don’t want to bore you, so I will finish my first post, telling you, whoever you are, something else about me and this blog:

First, I’m from Argentina. Yes, and I’ve decided to do this in English, because I love the language, and I feel very comfortable using it, in fact, I’m studying to be an English Teacher! Just so you know, I may be posting in Spanish some times, may be in the near future. I guess it’s because I’m shy, and if I write in English I feel like I’m writing for someone outside my country.

Second, and last, the Title is a mix of my name, Clara, and the word “mind”. If the word “mind” was in Spanish, it would be the whole spanish word “claramente”, which means “clearly”. That is my way of telling you I’m going to write about my thoughts, and that I consider myself a clearheaded person, most of the time.

Okay, that’s it. Let me know if you read me.

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